Although we seek the freedom to act as individuals, we cannot escape the fact that we are part of a society of people, including families and groups of all sizes. So why do we sometimes think and act as if we're entities (separate and distinct)? Why do we insist on our independence? Is this a bit of assholery? Maybe.

Is this you?

If you automatically answered “no,” you might be an asshole.

Note: the extreme asshole doesn’t care, so we’ll assume you’ll keep reading.

We’ll explain. We all know people who are entitled, superior, and invariably justified. They act as if the normal rules of conduct do not apply, remain oblivious to normal expectations, and feel entirely comfortable flouting accepted social conventions. They seem almost immunized against the complaints of other people (although they insist you listen to theirs). Might this be you? Read on.

An Asshole vs. An Aspect

Although we seek the freedom to act as individuals, we cannot escape the fact that we are part of a society of people, including families and groups of all sizes. We can’t survive without our atmosphere, nor can we survive independent of other people. We are mere aspects of the environments we occupy. We are mere aspects of the communities we inhabit. So why do we sometimes think and act as if we’re entities (separate and distinct)? Why do we insist on our independence? Is this a bit of assholery? Maybe.

A Transactional Approach Corrects the Fragmentation

One of the fundamental lessons we teach is that:

the transactional approach is one “designed to correct the fragmentation of experience, on whatever level it may occur,”[1] and as the right “to see together…much that is talked about conventionally as if it were composed of irreconcilable separates.”[2]

For example, while we can talk about any organ in our body, none of them functions independently of the entire organ system (which also includes the microbiome existing within and on our bodies). We spent centuries speaking as if our mind and our body are somehow distinct. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“Transaction denotes a reciprocal relationship . . . both become united for the moment in a mutual transition or “transaction.” It is a process in which both are reciprocally transformed. The nature of the change each undergoes is affected by the presence and influence of the other. A transaction, then, is a creative act, engaged in by one who, by virtue of his participation in the act—of which he is always an aspect, never an entity—together with the other participants, be they human or otherwise environmental, becomes in the process modified.”[3]

Is a Transactionalist an Asshole?

Hardly. While we often hear people use the phrase (with disdain) “they were so transactional” to indicate a cold, merely tit-for-tat action, a transaction, as we teach it, is a highly empathic act of relationship, respect, and reciprocity. A Transactionalist:

1. considers themselves merely an aspect of the whole [transaction/relationship/environment];
2. respects the reciprocal, co-constitutive, processual nature of the relationship; and
3. knows that their participation/absence in an act is consequential.

Assholes: A Theory

Included here is more reading on the subject of assholery. Assholes: A Theory is a book by Aaron James, Associate professor of philosophy at the University of California, Irvine.

He Describes an Asshole as:

1. allows himself (yes, mostly he) to enjoy special advantages and does so systematically;
2. does this out of an entrenched sense of entitlement; and
3. is immunized by his sense of entitlement against other people’s complaints.

As Per Our Eduction, Let’s Inspect

Where do I:

1. seek only to gain; not to offer help/value
2. allow myself to enjoy special advantages; the rules don’t apply
3. act from a sense of entitlement, conceit, or even victimhood
4. feel immune to the consequence of your participation or absence

The Assholery Prevention Checklist

Review the following checklist to see how you might improve.

1 Personality Entitlement: “I’m a performer, you know I’ll be late.”

1. Don’t assume your Personality excuses you
2. Mind your manners, be respectful
3. Learn to speak their language, don’t make them speak yours
4. Produce appropriate moods 2 Judgment Immunity: “Who cares, they’re high-cost anyway.”
5. Don’t dismiss them because you don’t like their judgment
6. Consider the judgment-free feedback
7. Respectfully decline the judgment where appropriate
8. Watch your mood, cop an attitude if needed 3 Reciprocity Blindness: “Why should I offer help first?”
9. Are you only taking vs. helping?
10. When you offer help, produce a reciprocity debt
11. Do you understand the consequence of merely taking?
12. Don’t assume they’ll reciprocate

These are some of the ways that some may experience Independence Poverty: “I don’t want the cost of including you.”

1. Including others is too slow; I’m impatient
2. Self-sufficiency is my honor badge; I’m a talented generalist
3. Specialization fears; I’ll lose control or miss opportunities
4. Control hoarding; not allowing others to contribute

As we said, the transactional approach is one “designed to correct the fragmentation of experience, on whatever level it may occur,” and “to see together…much that is talked about conventionally as if it were composed of irreconcilable separates.” When people, relationships, and environments are seen as irreconcilable separates (all part of a whole system), we tend to move with more power, more influence, and more satisfaction.

Hopefully, we’ll also be less of an asshole.

[1] George R. Geiger, John Dewey in Perspective. New York: McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1964, p. 78.

[2] John Dewey and Arthur F. Bentley, Knowing and the Known. Boston: Beacon Press, 1949, p. 69.

[3] Trevor J Phillips, Transactionalism: An Historical and Interpretive Study, Influence Ecology, 2014, p. 63

An Education in Being Influential

Our curriculum begins with the Fundamentals of Transaction Program, a six-month course of study specifically designed to influence others, work less, and make more.

AUTHOR

John Patterson
Co-founder and CEO
INFLUENTIAL U
John Patterson co-founded and manages the faculty and consultants of Influential U global. Since 1987, he has led workshops, programs, and conferences for over 100k people in diverse professions, industries, and cultures. His history includes corporate curriculum design focusing on business ecosystems, influence, leadership, and high-performance training and development.